…since I could say that I actually posted content. I had the idea for this site back in 2017, I was excited, I was motivated, but as I was nearing the end of 2018, I was watching it go nowhere. Truth be told, when you have an idea, or feel passion about something, and you don’t feel like you’re making any progress, it’s disheartening. It’s easy to lose just enough motivation to say “I’ll do it tomorrow.” Tomorrow becomes a week, a week becomes a month, and a month becomes a year. Over that year you find a lot of excuses. I work too much, I have a physical injury that causes me too much pain to work on this, my depression is causing me to feel discouraged by even looking at the screen, I don’t have time, I’d rather lay down, I can get back to it any time I want. These were all excuses I personally used to make it ok. But at the heart of all the excuses, the only thing that was really holding me back is the feeling that every “piece” of content I create could potentially be a failure, created the perfect vehicle for my depression to take over and say “…what if you laid down instead though?”
I heard today, where I live we are supposed to see some snow next week; winter is coming. Combine this with daylight whatever the fucks time, shorter days, longer nights, and seasonal depression making a play to become the official tag team partner of my regular depression, I felt like I’d have some mental hurdles to climb to get back into this. But, I was going through some emails over the last week, cleaning up the pointless stuff, and continually ignoring emails from wordpress, as they are typically just upgrade offers for my site, and came across something interesting. I noticed a few of them were actually notifications of direct messages from people recently asking me why I stopped putting up articles, and one of them asked if I was doing ok, since I hadn’t posted in so long. Realizing that any amount of people had wondered what happened to the content I was creating was a good feeling.
Combine with this, over the last week I kept finding myself stumbling into news about the gaming world that gives me the itch. Seeing a crying child,s face as he was banned from fortnite forever for using an aimbot (good lol), the gorgeous cinematic reveal for Diablo 4, the absolutely brutal failure of the most recent ghost recon, the constant e-sports china controversies, and so on, gave me a spark of “What if I just did the damn thing?” So I guess we’ll see what happens from here. I’m going to try my best to keep a content creation schedule, and do reviews for games at x intervals. Previously I had just been doing it whenever I had nothing else to do, but I think not having a consistent schedule really made it easy to slip into the “I’ll do it tomorrow” attitude that I would feel when I would get depressed.
All that said, and on the topic of depression, I’ve dealt with a great deal of loss over the course of my life due to people finding themselves unable to live with the way they feel every day. If you feel that way, or know anyone who does, there are a ton of good resources out there. SAMSHA hosts information for resources not just around mental health issues, but also substance abuse issues, as they both sometimes go hand in hand. RTOR helps families get information potential resources to help other family members who may show signs of severe depression. Suicide Prevention Hotline has a text chat option, as well as the national phone number, 1-800-273-8255. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
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